[SEL] OT but amusing

[Dave Croft]

I hope this translates to US ok. Passed on from the UK engine group.

AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a power station 200 miles away
and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years
ago by someone in Birmingham, and either breaks or rounds them off.

ANGLE GRINDER:
When used to just take off that tiny burr - effectively turns a
perfectly painted panel into a surface resembling that of 30 grade
sandpaper. If a wire wheel is attached, can also be used by the more
extreme body mutilation aficionados, and for riot control those sharp
little wires shoot off in every direction and, at amazing speed.

BALL-PEEN HAMMER:
Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Fransco de Gama in
1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been
invented. Now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. Also used
as a universal centre-punch.

BATTERY HYDROMETER:
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a boat battery to
the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead
as a doornail, just as you thought.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.

CIRCLIP PLIERS:
Used to prise the lids off paint tins. Works better, if you snap off
those silly little nibs that fit circlips.

CROWBAR:
A tool used todestroy the metal surrounding that tiny clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock
out of your hands so that it can then smack you in the chest at approx
3000rpm.

ELECTRIC DRILL:
Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes until you die of
old age.

GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a tool for stirring tea or spreading
mayonnaise, however, used mainly for getting duck-crap off your boat.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

JUNIOR HACKSAW:
As above but less predictable.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit. Also used for bending nails. If used
properly, nail will bend, then fire itself across the room, as it is
now useless anyway.

HYDRAULIC JACK:
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have restored your
brakes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4x2:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
jack.

LEAD-LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is
a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.

MOLE WRENCH:
Used to round off bolt heads and to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your
garage. However, is also capable of causing the prone user to get out
from underneath the engine bay at the speed of light, when the white
hot blob of braze won't take on the exhaust silencer, you were hoping
might last another week or two, and eventually falls on your chest.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style tin oil cans and splash
oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out
Phillips screw heads.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.

SCREWDRIVER:
Device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. Primarily
used for removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges in
things.

SILVER SOLDER:
Although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, its
main intention is as a replacement for twist-ties. Also used to prove
the "no two snowflakes" theory when melted above finished floors. It
has been said that Pershing used solder to practice bombing raids on
cockroaches.

STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing custom made leather goods. Also used to cut hoses 1 inch
too short.

STAPLING GUN:
Invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should
never be used for trying to attach one item to another, as staples are
not made in that size.

SU ADJUSTING SPANNER:
Teeny 1 1/2" long mini-spanner; drop into the inaccessible recesses of
your engine-bay, to simulate that vintage intermittent rattling noise.
If you don't want that vintage sound, it can easily be retrieved, see
under two-ton hydraulic engine hoist.

TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating rust or grease build-up.

TIN SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth-straps and
other lines e.g. fuel you may have forgotten to disconnect prior to
removing engine.

16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large engine-mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on one end and no handle on the other.

WHITWORTH SPANNERS:
Once used for working on older cars and boats, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or any other you've been searching
for the last 15 minutes, end result similar to that of impact wrench
(see top of page)

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...." See also angle grinder.

CHEMICAL SECTION:

GUNK:
Invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunks' primary component is mayonnaise, but
perfume and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely.
Also used for lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty.
Do not eat. Once applied to skin, Gunk never comes off.

IMPACT ADHESIVE:
Used for removing the slots between your fingers.

LACQUER THINNER:
Used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical
was invented by E.I. DuPont de NeMours for the purpose of making
money. Creative mechanics often use lacquer thinner to tie-die
trousers while wearing them.

MINERAL SPIRITS:
Aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, used for wetting metal parts. Also
used for adhering paint brushes to containers. (Note: process takes
approx. one month in an open container) This chemical can be used in
place of any other chemical with reduced efficiency.

SILICON WAX:
Used to ensure that paint will never, ever adhere, ever again, or if
used by seasoned proffessionals can produce the most amazing "orange
peel" type finish.

WD40:
Deceptive oil-like substance, for making rusting parts rust faster,
but smell nice.

Dave Croft
Warrington
England
http://community.webshots.com/user/crftdv